because han shot first
Posts by PaPa

The Defenestration of Prague

  Posted May 17th 2006 by PaPa

Have you ever read one of those role-playing books? You know the kind of thing - "You find yourself in front of a locked door. Do you:
a) Use the the large iron key you found earlier (turn to page 15)
b) Knock on the door (turn to page 24)
c) Wait for the postman to show up, hit him over the head and steal his clothes, then use your newly acquired costume to bluff your way inside and attempt to kill the occupier, stealing any money he has and then setting the house on fire on your way out (turn to page 3)"

I was reminded of them the other day when sitting down to do an exam. One of the bullet points on the front of the answer book read: "Your attention is drawn to the exam regulations printed on the back of this booklet." They aren't messing about here. They're not going with the pussy route of saying "We are drawing your attention to the exam regulations printed on the book of this booklet." No, they are telling you that your attention has been drawn to the regulations, whether you want it to be drawn there or not. They're effectively turning the exam into a role-playing book, which sucks because everyone knows that only nerds with no friends read role-playing books.

"Your attention is drawn inexorably towards the exam regulations printed on the back of this booklet. Do you:
a) Read the regulations (turn to page 2)
b) Assume that you already know the gist of what they contain and proceed with the exam (turn to page 3)
c) Burn the booklet and then stand on your chair and shout "Students! You have nothing to lose but your chains!" before running from the hall, bodyslamming an invigilator on the way out (turn to page 17)"

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  Posted May 11th 2006 by PaPa

Okay, Nintendo.

I forgive you.


  Posted May 9th 2006 by PaPa

Frankly, Nintendo's opening couldn't have been much fruitier. If your primary goal in watching this press conference was to see a Japanese man prance about like a hyper-active four year old, then it seems you came to the right place. Fortunately, they quickly move on to release date (end of this year), price (low) and controller functionality (awesome).

A key facet of the Wii controller is supposed to be the immersion, and the newest feature in this vein to be revealed is the speaker in the controller. Using the example of firing your bow in Zelda, you'll hear the sound of the bow string drawing back, then when you release you hear the arrow's flight fading from the controller speaker to the TV speakers. The sword functionality of the Wii controller in this game also looks pretty awesome, and the Wii controller, unlike the PS3 one, has rumble.

Nintendo seem to be trying to build up some kind of bad boy image, talking about it's "disruption" of the market. This was at the start of some DS shit that I really wasn't listening to, other than that they're putting a sequel to Wind Waker on it and that the DS Lite is another cruel betrayal of those people who buy Nintendo products when they come out.

They also completely fail to show any footage of the new Super Smash Bros. What the fuck are you up to, Nintendo? You've held out on price, exact launch date and SSB. What the hell did you think gamers wanted to see? Some random fat guy playing tennis with Nintendo bigwigs? No! That's a bad Nintendo! Naughty puppy!

SLN News – low on facts, high on abuse.

Oh, Sony

  Posted May 9th 2006 by PaPa

Whilst I would stop short of calling myself a Nintendo fanboy, I have to say that I love it when Sony fucks up. £600 (£410) for the PS3, plus the cost of games and extra controllers? What the fuck, Sony, what the fuck? OK, so you're offering the core system for £500 (£340), but the 360 launch taught us that 'core' = 'pile of wank'. When someone can buy both of your competitors' consoles for the price of yours, you might have a bit of a problem.

Of course, when considering the price, you can't forget that the PS3 allows you to play the new blu-ray discs. Unfortunately, Sony's proprietary format has to do battle with HD-DVD, in a re-run of the VHS vs. Betamax wars. Just to remind you, Sony was the one behind Betamax and the Mini Disc, and the Hi-Capacity Mini Disc. Got any of those at home?

The PS3 launches worldwide on November 17th this year. I recommend selling your kidney now, because there's swiftly going to be a glut on the market.

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